Stop Being Friendly and Start Being a Friend

Stop being friendly and start being a friend — those are genuinely different things, and most of us have spent years doing the first while convincing ourselves we were doing the second. Being friendly means pleasantries over the fence, smiles at pickup, a cheerful exchange when you happen to be in the same place. Being a friend means you actually know someone. Today, I lost a friend — and in losing her, I realized I had only been friendly.

She was a widowed mother of two, working full time to provide a life for her son and daughter. She was kind and energetic. She was happy and involved. We chatted as we picked up our boys from each other’s houses and exchanged greetings over the back fence. She took my son to the splash pad, and I had hers over for movie night. She was a good mom who loved her kids, but now she is gone, and I am left wondering: did she know I was her friend?

The Plans That Never Happened

I was planning on getting closer to her. I wanted to have her family over for dinner. I thought about stopping by one day to help clean up the house. I meant to ask if I could take her kids so she could have a night off. Once life was a little less busy, I was going to take the time to really get to know her. My best intentions are now all too late.

I hope she had close friends. I hope she wasn’t lonely. It is incredible that in a world crammed full of people and buzzing with social media connections, so many of us feel all alone. I hope she didn’t feel that way. I really wanted to stop being friendly and start being a friend to her. I was planning on it. I just hadn’t gotten around to it.

What Real Friendship Actually Looks Like

Being friendly is just not enough. Being a real friend is what matters. We need to know each other. We need to care. We need to love. We need to include and invite. Not everyone has a mother or sister or best friend waiting in the wings. Sometimes friendship is not easy. Sometimes relationships take work. Sometimes outgoing people are friendless. Sometimes we have to expand our circle until it is about to burst.

Real friends call on birthdays and stop by just to say hello. Real friends watch out for your children and have your back when no one else will. Real friends do what is inconvenient — they make time, they make you feel wanted. Real friends cry with you and want the very best for you. Real friends watch you make mistakes and forgive you. Real friends know you, really know you, and love you anyway.

That is who I should have been for her. It may not have made a difference today, but it may have made her previous days a little brighter, a little less difficult, a little more enjoyable, and a little less lonely. I could have been that person. I am left wondering what was so important instead. A load of laundry? A soccer carpool? An email? It all seems frivolous now.

A Decision

So, for her — let us be better. Stop being friendly and start being a friend. It is more than a quick plate of cookies or a smile and a wave. Take time even when you don’t have any. Slow down and see a need. Stop thinking about what is best for only your family.

I will be better. I will find energy even when it feels like I am running on empty. I will listen when I want to talk. I will pray for more strength when mine is gone. I will re-teach myself how to stop being friendly and start being a friend — even to those who might be different, needy, or closed — and I will find joy in the process.

If the question “did she know I was her friend?” ever arises again, I want to say with confidence: Of course, she knew. We were wonderful friends.

Related Reading

• how many hours does it take to make a friend
• find new friends — Modern Manners
• there is always room for one more

Helpful External Resources

• Greater Good Science Center — the science of friendship

Frequently Asked Questions

What is the difference between being friendly and being a friend?

Being friendly means exchanges and pleasantries. Being a friend means you actually know someone — you show up, you call, you do the inconvenient thing, you make time, you care. The decision to stop being friendly and start being a friend closes that gap before it is too late.

How do you become a real friend to someone?

Real friendship requires moving from pleasantness into knowing. Call on birthdays. Stop by to say hello. Do what is inconvenient. Make time. Make people feel wanted. Know them, really know them, and love them anyway. The decision to stop being friendly and start being a friend begins with one small, generous act of actually showing up.

How do you make time for friendship when you are busy?

The answer is not to find more time — it is to decide that relationships are not something to get to eventually. They are the work. The decision to stop being friendly and start being a friend happens now, with the people already in your orbit. Not when life slows down. Now