For Father’s Day, Let Him Be His Own Kind of Dad

Let him be his own kind of dad. Not your kind. Not the kind described in the parenting book you just finished. Not the ideal you have been building in your mind since before you had children. His kind. This is one of the most important gifts you can give a father — and one of the hardest for intensely involved mothers to actually follow through on.

I took staying home with a baby very seriously. I read book after book. I had ideas and reasons for just about everything and tried every day to parent “just so.” All of that intensity was exhausting. So I loved turning the kids over to my husband in the evenings and living for family vacations. The only problem was: when I walked out the door, all of my plans left with me. And each time I came home to find that he had improvised in ways that looked very different from what I would have done, I questioned everything.

What He Taught Our Boys That I Couldn’t

Looking back now, I am so grateful he let him be his own kind of dad when the boys were young. I am glad he ignored my instructions and created moments with his kids that were not carefully crafted by me — because then they would not have been his. They would have been my moments, performed by him.

He showed them you can go camping with only 30 minutes of preparation. That you can watch two movies in a row without your brain turning to mush. That a little danger is okay. That sunburns hurt. That you can hike harder and farther and faster than you ever thought you could. That a man says sorry and asks for forgiveness.

When I coddled, he encouraged them to be better. When I excused, he held them accountable. I now have boys who expect consequences. Who rarely walk past someone in need. Who unload groceries and take bags out of my hands. Who know we do not leave until everything is taken care of.

What I Wish I Had Done Differently

Looking back, I wish I had made it easier on him to let him be his own kind of dad instead of trying to mold him into a perfect clone of me. I wish I had allowed him more say in what was important. I wish I had done less correcting and more thanking when he was alone with the kids. I wish I had shown him more trust in his judgment. I wish I had let the little things go.

My boys are far from ideal and we have many rough days. But they are also great in so many ways — and I have my husband to thank for most of them. I’m glad he didn’t let me nag him out of what he knew was important.

For Father’s Day

This Father’s Day, give your husband the gift of confidence, of love, of appreciation in his parenting. Allow yourself to let go and let him be his own kind of dad. It is the best gift you can give him — and one of the best you can give your children.

Related Reading

• can you be a parent and a friend
• improving your relationship with your teen
• sincere compliments for teens that work

Helpful External Resources

• Greater Good Science Center — the science of fatherhood

Frequently Asked Questions

Why is it important to let your husband parent his own way?

When you let him be his own kind of dad, his moments with the children become genuinely his. A dad who improvises, pushes harder, and makes unexpected choices is teaching things a perfectly planned outing cannot. The moments that look like “doing it wrong” are often producing exactly the qualities you want to raise.

How do you stop micromanaging your husband’s parenting?

Do less correcting and more thanking when he is alone with the kids. Give him real authority — not instructions he’s expected to execute exactly as you would. Let him be his own kind of dad means he gets to make choices and live with results, just as you do.

What do dads teach kids that moms can’t?

Dads model a vision of adulthood that is genuinely their own. When you let him be his own kind of dad, children learn accountability from someone who holds it differently, experience being pushed farther than they thought possible, and see a model for how a man says sorry and asks for forgiveness. Children need a father who is fully himself.