Improving Your Relationship with Your Teen: Challenge #1 — 3 Sincere Compliments Each Day

Q: How do you improve your relationship with your teen?

Improving your relationship with your teen starts with a specific, measurable change rather than a general intention. Challenge #1: verbalize the positive at least 3 times every single day. Not 'try to be more positive' — 3 specific, sincere, unqualified compliments, every day, consistently. This seems small. It is not. Over weeks, it shifts the entire ratio of positive to negative interactions in a way that teenagers feel and respond to — not necessarily immediately, but reliably.

Q: What do you do when your teen doesn't want a relationship with you?

When your relationship with your teen is on shaky ground, start smaller than you think you need to. You cannot demand connection from a teenager — it has to be earned through consistent positive deposits. Give 3 genuine, unqualified compliments every day with no agenda attached and no 'but' afterward. If face-to-face feels too loaded, do it through text or a handwritten note. Most teens pay far more attention than they let on. The ice does thaw. It takes time and consistency rather than intensity.

Q: How many compliments should you give a teenager each day?

Research and experience both point to a minimum of 3 sincere, specific, unqualified compliments per day to begin shifting the ratio of positive to negative interactions in your relationship with your teen. The key word is 'unqualified' — no 'but' after the compliment, no condition attached, no teaching moment attached. The compliment is complete in itself. Start superficial if you have to ('I love the way you put that together') and move toward deeper ones ('I've noticed you've been really trying to be kinder — I see it').

Improving your relationship with your teen is something I care deeply about — and something I want to be honest about from the start. I am not coming at this from a “I’ve done everything right and look how awesome my teenagers are” angle. I am not sharing this because my family is the happiest or my kids are always killing it. That is not my story.

In fact, when I read parenting books or listened to advice, it would make me so angry. No one had my life, my kids, or my struggles. I tried it all. Nothing ever worked like it did for others, and never as quickly or as obviously as I hoped. But one thing I am incredibly proud of is the way my husband and I have fought hard for our kids and for the relationship we have with each of them (16, 14, 13, 8).

There have been years of frustration, countless unsure moments, nights when I didn’t sleep at all. Months when the pit in my stomach didn’t leave. I’ve cried more tears, prayed more prayers, and felt more hopeless than I ever thought I would. I’ve also been humbled beyond belief, learned to lean on others, opened my heart and mind, and put aside the ideal in favor of the real. Today we have a home that is open, honest, forgiving, communicative, and enjoyable. We like each other a lot. Life is good.

As I share what I’ve learned about improving your relationship with your teen and issue these challenges, understand that I’m not coming from the place of an expert or someone who got lucky with easy kids. I’m sharing because relationships are worth fighting for — all children, even the hard ones, especially the hard ones.

Why the Ratio Matters When Improving Your Relationship with Your Teen

Think about the child you are struggling with the most — the one where your relationship with your teen is on shaky ground. What percentage of your interactions are positive, and what percentage are negative? If you were them, would you choose you to open up to or confide in? Be honest.

One of the most impactful changes we made was to focus on and verbalize the positive. I know what you are thinking: “How can I be positive when all he does is bring negativity?” “She is capable of so much more — I am not going to congratulate her on a 3.0.” “He had a horrible game — we are not going to focus on the one good moment.”

I get it. But believe me when I tell you it is worth it. As you do this consistently, the ice begins to thaw. Kids cannot help but want to interact with people who make them feel good — and avoid those who don’t. If you are in a power-struggle spiral, this shift will feel significant. They will be shocked at first. And you might be too. Seeking the positive will change how you feel about the relationship as well.

Challenge #1: 3 Sincere Compliments Every Day

Your challenge for improving your relationship with your teen is this: verbalize the positive at least 3 times each day. Be sincere. Be kind. Do it with a smile. This does not mean you cannot correct or discipline — that still matters. But have positive exchanges every single day.

Start small and superficial if you need to, but move toward deeper, more specific compliments over time:

“I’ve noticed you’ve been trying to be nicer to your brothers. I really appreciate that.”
“You are so good in new situations. I really admire that about you.”
“I love the energy you bring to our home. It would be so boring without you.”
“Wow. You’ve done so well in art this term.”

The Rules for Sincere Compliments

There is no BUT after what you say. These are unqualified compliments. If you need to talk about something that needs to change, do it at a different time — not attached to the positive. The compliment is complete in itself. It is a gift, not a transaction.

If face-to-face feels too loaded right now, start with a text or a note. As your relationship with your teen opens up, you will be able to say them out loud with more ease. Most teenagers pay far more attention to these moments than they let on.

Do It With Your Spouse or a Friend

The challenge is SO powerful if you can do it together with your spouse. If your spouse is not ready, grab a friend to stay accountable to. The consistency is the key — this is not a “try it once and see what happens” effort. It is a daily practice that shifts the entire atmosphere over time.

Helpful External Resources

Greater Good Science Center — why positive interactions build relationships

Frequently Asked Questions: Improving Your Relationship with Your Teen

How do you improve your relationship with your teen?

Challenge #1: verbalize the positive at least 3 times every single day — specific, sincere, unqualified compliments with no agenda attached and no “but” afterward. This shifts the entire ratio of positive to negative interactions in a way teenagers feel and respond to. It does not happen overnight, but it happens reliably when done consistently.

What do you do when your teen doesn’t want a relationship with you?

Start smaller than you think you need to. You cannot demand connection — it has to be earned through consistent positive deposits. If face-to-face is too loaded, do it through text or a handwritten note. Most teens pay far more attention than they let on. The ice does thaw. It takes time and consistency rather than intensity.

How many compliments should you give a teenager each day?

A minimum of 3 sincere, specific, unqualified compliments per day to begin shifting the ratio in your relationship with your teen. Start superficial if you have to and move toward deeper ones. The key: no “but” after the compliment, no condition attached, no teaching moment attached. The compliment is complete in itself.