I Can Be a Parent and a Friend

The criticism is familiar: “You know what’s wrong with parents these days? They choose to be friends and refuse to be parents.” I heard it the other day and had to disagree. The choice between being a parent and a friend is a false one. I think we can — and should — be both. Here is what that looks like at every age.

Why You Can Be a Parent and a Friend

I can be a friend to my 4-year-old when he is looking for a playmate. I can deal UNO cards and trash talk in good fun and play my Draw 4 Wild when he is almost out of cards — and then I can be a parent when he loses and throws a tantrum. I can encourage better sportsmanship and show him how silly it is to melt down over a game. If I am in those toddler trenches with him as a friend, maybe he will understand something real about winning and losing. So when he is 8 and plays baseball, I will cheer embarrassingly loud as a friend — and when he throws his bat, I will be a parent. He will catch my eye and know he will be sitting out the rest of the game. Then we will go home and work on his hitting and his temper. He will know I love him even when he strikes out, because that is what I have always done.

I can be a friend to my 9-year-old as we cook and bake together. He can tell me about friends and sports and school and I can listen. Later, when I notice he is playing with a toy that doesn’t belong to us, I can be a parent. I will share my feelings about honesty with him and take him to return what he took. I will stand by his side as he takes responsibility and apologizes. Because if I can gently guide him toward honor when he is 9, maybe when he is 14 and someone offers him an answer key to an upcoming test, he will remember how important integrity is — and refuse to cheat. Or, if in a moment of weakness he chooses otherwise, he will remember our friendship and come to me, knowing my love is available even to imperfect children.

I can be a parent and a friend to my 11-year-old as I listen to him tell me about his crush. I can keep his first love a secret and ask him why he likes her. Then as a parent I can encourage him to value character, to be respectful, to always be a good friend. Because if we talk about girls when he is 11, maybe when he is 16 and gets his heart broken for the first time, he will come to me instead of pushing his hurt inside. I will tell him about my worst breakup. We will get greasy food and oversized ice cream. And as a parent, I will remind him of his goodness, his talents, what he can offer the world. Then I will let him cry and squeeze him and hold him like I used to, because that is what parents do.

I can be a parent and a friend to my 13-year-old when he tells me he has struggled with bad language. I can share my own experience, listen as he tells me why it is hard, hold my lectures, and thank him for letting me into his life. As a parent, I can model a better way, make a plan together, and check in regularly. Because if he is comfortable letting me see his faults at 13, maybe when he is 20 and has a crisis of faith, he will ask me soul-searching questions instead of Google. He will know that I will always be a constant source of unconditional love. I always have been.

Why Both Matter

Today, it is not enough to be only an authoritative parent. That culture often comes with shame and a desire to look good instead of be good. But it is not enough to be only an indulgent friend. Our children need boundaries, rules, direction, accountability, and expectations — something to rise to and work toward.

For the sake of our children, we must find a way to be both. Gone are the days of letting them raise themselves in a permissive bubble or pushing so hard that we crush their spirits and raise strangers full of secrets. There is a balance, and it starts with honesty, openness, expectations, consequences, respect, shared experiences, and that undying knowledge of unconditional love.

It is a difficult path. It is exhausting and confusing and frustrating and loving and rewarding all at the same time. But I have to believe it is worth it. So next time someone says parents should not be friends with their kids, I will say boldly: in this crazy world, we are trying for something better. I think we can be both a parent and a friend.

Related Reading

• improving your relationship with your teen
• sincere compliments for teens that work
• parenting a new middle schooler

Helpful External Resources

• Greater Good Science Center — the research on parent-child connection

Frequently Asked Questions

Can you be a parent and a friend to your child?

Yes. Children whose parents are only authoritative — rules without relationship — often end up disconnected. Children whose parents are only friends lack the structure to develop. The goal is both: genuine friendship that makes children want to come to you, combined with accountability that gives them something to rise to.

Why is it important to be both a parent and a friend?

When you are a friend early, you build the relational bank account that makes hard conversations later possible. A teenager who was shown unconditional love combined with real expectations knows they can come to you with anything. Being a parent and a friend is not a compromise — it is the whole job.

How do you balance being a parent and being a friend?

Show up in their world, enter their experiences, be genuinely interested in who they are — and then hold the line when lines need holding. Being a parent and a friend are not in opposition. A child who knows you are for them is far more likely to respond to correction than one who only experiences you as an enforcer.