I Don’t Care If My Kids Get As

When I told my boys I dont care if my kids get as, the shock on their faces was real. The argument is as old as school itself. “Why do you care so much about my grades?” This is followed by a long list of who gets paid big bucks with A’s, whose parents don’t care if they have a D, and a million reasons why B’s are absolutely fine. After this speech at the end of every semester, I realized I needed to be a little more clear to my sons about why school performance matters — and why it is not about the A.

I started off with: “I dont care if my kids get as.” They were skeptical. The shock on their faces was real. But I meant it — and then I explained what I actually do care about.

It’s Not About the A — Here’s What It Is About

“It’s not about the A. It is about hard work and effort. When I see a B+ in health and notice a missing assignment and three late assignments, that B+ is unacceptable. When I see a B+ in honors science and know you went in early for help, turned everything in on time, have a few points of extra credit, and studied hard for the final — I will high-five you for that B+ every time.

“There is a difference. As your parents, we are entrusted to help you reach your potential, and we know that reaching your potential takes a little push. We have watched you for 12 years and we have a realistic idea of what your best looks like. I know you want us to think you are only a little bit capable, but we know better. If we let you sell yourself short now, you will miss so many opportunities later.

“For this same reason, we are going to encourage you to take classes that are challenging and enriching. Well-rounded people are our favorites — now is the time to expose yourself to a wide variety of subjects and interests. Take theater, gym, art, choir, debate, and robotics. It’s not only about intense academics; it’s about education.

“Every day you spend seven hours away from us getting free public schooling while other children around the world spend those same hours carrying water or selling trinkets on the street. To choose a boring, easy A schedule that teaches you little is not the goal. I dont care if my kids get as, but I do care if they are learning.

“This may mean sacrificing some downtime, some social time, maybe even some sleep. It might mean a little more stress or less than perfect grades, but a person who has learned to think and articulate and who is willing to work hard will go much further than someone who has learned to game the system. Even if that easy way out is rewarded with a 4.0.”

The 8 Questions We Ask Instead

So yes, there will be consequences at our house, even sometimes for an A-minus. The consequences usually cut out distractions so kids have more time and energy to do the essential things first — that is a valuable life lesson. There will also be rewards, not monetary ones, but trust. We trust that they are mature enough to make good decisions. There will be less contention in our home. We will be more willing to give them freedom they are craving.

If they want that learning, that freedom, that satisfaction of being in charge of their own life, when grades come out they should be able to answer yes to the following questions. They have nothing to do with IQ or class rank and everything to do with things students can control:

  1. Did you turn every assignment in?
  2. Did you turn each assignment in on time?
  3. Did you do all the extra credit that was available?
  4. Did you study for your tests?
  5. Did you retake everything you could?
  6. When you were struggling, did you go in before or after school for help?
  7. Did you tell us you were having a hard time and ask us for help?
  8. At the end, did you review your grade, speak with your teacher about any discrepancies, and ask if there was anything else you could do?

I dont care if my kids get as. I want them to be happy — and real happiness does not come from coasting, shirking, and underperforming. It comes from learning, struggling, trying, triumphing, and living a life that opens doors instead of closes them. That is the power of a real education.

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Frequently Asked Questions

If you don’t care about As, what do you care about?

The message behind “I dont care if my kids get as”: it is about hard work and honest effort, not the grade itself. A B+ from genuine effort and extra help is worth celebrating every time. A B+ from coasting with missing assignments is not acceptable regardless of the letter. The grade is the report; the effort is what matters.

What are the 8 questions to ask instead of focusing on grades?

Rather than focusing on grades, use these 8 effort-based questions: Did you turn every assignment in? On time? Did you do all available extra credit? Did you study for tests? Did you retake what you could? Did you get help when struggling? Did you tell us about it? Did you review your final grade with the teacher? These have nothing to do with IQ and everything to do with what students can control.

What are the rewards and consequences for effort at school?

Consequences in our house usually involve cutting distractions — TV, phone, games, friends — to create more time for essential work. That lesson transfers far beyond school. Rewards are not monetary but trust: more freedom, more independence, less contention at home. These are far more motivating than cash for a 4.0.