Our Best Parenting Tool: Prepping Our Kids

Prepping our kids is, by far, the best parenting tool in the Romney household — and they use it all the time, for every age. The idea came after years of trying to take four boys to places they were not made for: church, restaurants, homes with nice furnishings, libraries, museums, weddings, grocery stores. The hullabaloo that would arise when trying to eat at a restaurant together was a specific disaster. Someone always ended the excursion by lying on the floor. So gross. And completely predictable once you realize what was actually happening: they were freaking out about behavior without really letting the kids know what was expected or what the consequences would be. They were crossing their fingers and hoping for the best, then reacting to emergency after emergency.

Prepping our kids changed everything. It is painfully obvious when they forget to do it.

photo taken at the DIA, right after my son said, very loudly, “I can’t believe this is in a museum! I can paint way better than this!” We are working on our art appreciation :).

What Prepping Our Kids Actually Looks Like

Prepping happens in the car on the way to any destination that requires behavior. For example, going to dinner at a restaurant with grandma and grandpa. The conversation goes something like this:

Us: It’s really nice of grandma and grandpa to invite us to dinner tonight. How are we going to act?
Them: Nice.
Us: What does nice mean?
Them: We aren’t going to run around or be crazy. Can we play grandma’s phone?
Us: No. They want us to come to dinner to spend time with them. You can chat with them and tell them about your day, school, or your sports. Make sure you ask them about their life too. What can you think of to talk about?
Them: Maybe science fair or my new book.
Us: Great. Everyone think of 2 things you would like to talk about or ask them about. Now, when we are eating, how do we act?
Them: Good.
Us: What does good mean?
Them: We stay in our chairs and use manners. We use our fork and ask for things to be passed. We don’t yell or play with our food or fight.
Us: What if the server refills your water or brings you more fries?
Them: We say thank you.
Us: Do we ever get on the floor?
Them: No. It’s disgusting.
Us: When you are finished, what is the plan? The adults are usually still eating.
Them: We can color on our menus or maybe someone who is done can take us outside.
Us: Sounds good. If you can’t show us that you are old enough to come to dinner and make it a nice experience, next time you will be home with a babysitter.

A total dining success at a fancy restaurant at the Aerie Restaurant at the Grand Traverse Hotel

Prepping Our Kids With Toddlers

For the youngest kids, prepping looks simpler but follows the same structure. On the way to the park with a two-year-old:

Me: We are going to the park today to play with friends! Do we hit our friends or push our friends?
Pierce: No. We be nice.
Me: Are we going to share our snacks?
Pierce: Yes.
Me: Okay. If we can’t share or be kind, what happens?
Pierce: We put them away. / We go home.
Me: That’s right.

Real life is never quite as smooth as the prepping conversation, but the experience is about 100% better than without the prep. Prepping our kids works for every age — when people come to visit, when friends come over, when getting home late and needing everyone in bed quickly, before a play date, before church, before a visit with someone they haven’t seen in a while. You name it, prep for it.

A Note on Consequences

Consequences MUST be realistic and easy to follow through on. If you know you will not actually leave the park, think of something you will do — sit in the car together, take a time out on the bench, lose screen time that evening. If you know everyone will come to the next dinner anyway, make the consequence something at home: they make or clean up dinner the next night to give you back a peaceful evening. Be clever, but be honest. Kids know empty threats all too well. Prepping our kids only works when the promises you make in the prep conversation are the promises you keep.

Related Reading

• from a bad day to a good day with your kids
• modern manners for teens — tips for eating out
• first day of school letter to my boys

Helpful External Resources

• Greater Good Science Center — the research on setting expectations for children

Frequently Asked Questions: Prepping Our Kids

What does it mean to prep your kids before going out?

Prepping our kids means having a specific conversation in the car before arriving anywhere that requires behavior — covering how we will act, what that actually means, what the expectations are for specific situations, and what the consequences will be. The goal: stop crossing fingers and hoping, and instead give children specific guidance they can actually use before they need it.

Why is prepping kids before events so effective?

Prepping our kids works because most children genuinely want to meet expectations — they just don’t know what they are until they’ve already missed them. When children receive correction for behavior they weren’t specifically warned about, they have no reason to have acted differently. Prepping gives children a chance to commit to behavior before they’re in the situation, which changes their relationship to the expectation.

How do you prep a toddler before going to the park?

Prepping our kids with toddlers follows the same structure as older kids, simplified: ask directly what the expectation is (do we hit our friends? no), confirm they understand specific behaviors (will we share our snacks? yes), and state the consequence clearly (if we can’t be kind, we go home). Toddlers can often articulate the rules back to you — and having said them out loud raises the chance they will remember.