My Child Is Not Perfect and Neither Is Yours

My child is not perfect — and saying it plainly is a relief. Brooke’s plan was to have perfect children. Unrealistic, yes, but that never stopped her from reaching for the ideal. She was certain that if she mothered hard enough, she had a chance at beating the odds: having the kids who are always respectful, who cringe at an A-minus, who are consistently kind, who do their hair and clean their room, who give 100 percent at all times, who compose their own music, who are star athletes, and who, in their spare time, start nonprofits and code for Microsoft.

She had read about kids like these in books. She had seen them in movies. And if she put all the Instagram and Facebook highlights of her friends’ children together, they also seemed to exist in real life. But here is what she learned: kids like this are not a reality for anyone, regardless of what you are led to believe. So learn to enjoy the children you have for who they are, and repeat this often: my child is not perfect. Your child is not perfect. That is the way it is supposed to be.

Why My Child Is Not Perfect — and That Is Okay

No amount of hard work will give you ideal children. Please continue to love and parent with as much vigor, knowledge, inspiration, and energy as you can muster. But realize that all your efforts will not create children who never let you down.

Prepare yourself for this. Your son might throw a tantrum in the checkout line regardless of your exact regurgitation of love and logic patterns. Your daughter might need extra help with reading even if you read to her every night. Your son might consistently leave friends out even if you teach and model kindness at every turn. Your daughter might engage in dangerous behavior online even if every tactic to promote self-worth has been used. Your son might drop out of college even if you hold a doctorate and are passionate about education. This does not mean you have failed.

Children are not programmable robots. They come with personalities, likes, dislikes, talents, and frailties — just like you and me. A wise friend who Brooke complimented on her teenage son replied: “If I take credit for all the good, I also have to take credit for all the bad. So each day I just try to show up for them and love and teach them the best way I know how. The rest is up to them.” My child is not perfect was the most freeing phrase that friend ever gave her.

When Parental Goggles Are Too Rosy

Sometimes our parental goggles are a little too rosy. One day Brooke sat next to a mom who could not say enough good things about her child — so kind, responsible, smart, talented, trustworthy, and an absolute joy. The very next day, another mom complained to her about the same child, describing how hard, exclusive, and mean that kid had been all year. Your child’s world is filtered through their most flattering light.

She has watched the best kid she knows completely shun someone who needed a friend. She has heard good teenagers use words that floored her. She has been shocked by the disrespect and ingratitude shown by really great kids from really stellar homes. My child is not perfect — and neither is anyone else’s. So get comfortable with reality, get to know your actual child, and withhold judgment of other kids and parents.

The Speech to Give the Child Who Seems Too Perfect

And if you have genuinely been fortunate enough to have one of those rare, perfect-on-the-outside children — have this conversation with them tonight:

“You are an amazing kid, but we know you are not perfect. You have made mistakes and you will continue to make more because you are mortal. You will do things you are not proud of. You will fail a test, forget to turn something in. You will say words you know you shouldn’t, laugh at a mean joke, and be a jerk when you should be kind. We already know this will happen, and we love you anyway. So please tell us when you are struggling. There will be consequences, but you can get through them and come out on the other side stronger. Please know that you can always be forgiven, by us and by God. You have a million chances to make things right. We are always here for you.”

This will take a weight off their shoulders and perhaps start a conversation that needs to happen. Letting go of unrealistic expectations for ourselves and our children brings about a healthy openness and allows everyone the freedom to become something more. My child is not perfect. Yours is not either. And this closeness, this acceptance, this connection just might transform ordinary reality into something genuinely beautiful.

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Frequently Asked Questions

Why do parents expect too much from their children?

My child is not perfect — and the expectation that they could be comes from a highlight-reel culture. Instagram and Facebook present only the best moments, creating the illusion that ideal children exist. They do not. Even the most remarkable-sounding children are complained about by another parent for being exclusive or difficult. Our parental goggles are often too rosy. Getting comfortable with reality, in your own home and in others’, is one of the most freeing things a parent can do.

What should you do when your child disappoints you?

When my child is not perfect — which they won’t be — remember: your child is not a programmable robot. They come with personalities, likes, dislikes, talents, and frailties. Disappointing moments don’t mean you failed. If you are loving, trying, forgiving, failing, learning, and trying again — stop beating yourself up. Show up. Love them. Try again.

What is a good speech to give a child who seems too perfect?

Tell them openly that my child is not perfect applies to them too — that they’ve made mistakes and will make more, and that you love them anyway. Tell them the worst thing they can do is hide hard things. Tell them they can always be forgiven and they have a million chances to make things right. This permission to be imperfect while still being loved might be the most important gift a parent can give.