15 Tips for Making Friends After a Move

Making friends after a move is a topic Brooke knows well — she and her husband have moved nine times in fourteen years. Some moves took them across the country; others took them to the city next door. Surprisingly, every move was hard in its own way. Making close friends quickly and easily happened only once out of nine moves.

After so many moves, she realized: the faster she made friends, the more she liked their new spot. The longer she waited, the more she regretted not becoming closer to people sooner. Making friends after a move is a lot of work, but it is so rewarding. If you are new to an area and feeling lonely, dive in.

15 Tips for Making Friends After a Move

1. Start before you get there. Tell everyone you know you are moving. You will be shocked at how many connections you already have to your new city. Use the “friend of a friend” to acquaint yourself from afar. Grab emails and phone numbers and use them when you arrive. It is fantastic to feel like you have any connection to an unfamiliar city.

2. Play the new card. People are SO willing to help someone new to their area. Ask everyone about everything regarding your new city: dentists and doctors, fun things to do, local restaurants. Take advantage of being new and create easy friendships through these conversations.

3. Get a phone number. When you move, it is like dating all over again. If you meet a mom you click with in the classroom, neighborhood, or at a park — get her number and ask if she and her child would like to meet up. Then actually call or text.

4. Start meetups. Text new friends when you decide to do something fun. You can give notice for a big outing like the zoo, or shoot a quick text to let them know you are heading to a favorite park or lunch spot. This method is pressure-free for everyone. People are usually happy for a casual invitation. Making friends after a move happens fastest when you make it easy and low-stakes.

5. Find a group. Join a mom’s group, a gym, the PTA, take a class, or volunteer. Try to make yourself part of something as quickly as possible. Do not limit friendships by age or stage of life — some of Brooke’s favorite relationships have been with women significantly older or younger.

6. Start or join a club. One of the first things Brooke finds in a new area is a book club. If one doesn’t exist, she starts one. Whatever you love — crafting, cooking, running, card games — find or create a group around it. If books aren’t your thing, something else will be.

7. Don’t complain about your new city. There is no better way to alienate new friends than talking about how horrible their town is. Share differences or funny quirks, but no one wants to hear their neighborhood is a step down from where you came from. See the good, and let new friends help you find it.

8. Don’t glorify your old spot. People are interested in what life is like in other parts of the country, but talking about your old stomping grounds like they were perfect gets old. Share the good and the bad about where you came from, but show you are genuinely happy to start fresh.

9. Open up. Closeness comes much more quickly when you are willing to share honestly. No one wants to be friends with someone who seems perfect or emotionless. Share things that are hard, and ask your new friends questions in return. When new, it is easy to forget to reciprocate interest in others.

10. Say yes. Moving is busy, but take a break for a little fun. In the beginning, people are especially nice and welcoming. Take advantage of that and say yes as often as possible when you get an invitation to connect.

11. Give service. Look for ways to help in your neighborhood or with new friends. Offer to watch kids during a doctor’s appointment, drive extra boys to soccer practice, or bring dinner after a baby. Going out of your way to be kind really helps people feel more comfortable making a connection.

12. Accept service. Some of Brooke’s closest relationships have blossomed because she allowed others to help her out. Men who helped unload the moving truck and women who watched little boys while they unpacked — those gestures created closeness instantly. Accept help when you really need it, but don’t cross the line of taking advantage of kindness.

13. Feed people. If you really want to get to know someone, offer them food. An invitation to dinner or dessert is rarely passed up. Keep it simple with paper plates or just order pizza. Breaking bread together is the most effective way to really get to know a family, and making friends after a move depends on exactly these kinds of moments.

14. Deliver dessert. Take cookies to neighbors soon after you move in if they don’t come over first. It skips years of awkward encounters and can be the beginning of a real friendship. “Hey, we just moved in on the corner and wanted to meet our neighbors” — that is all it takes.

15. Start a tradition. Decide as a family if there is a tradition you would like to start in your new area — something that happens yearly and people look forward to. Brooke’s family does a Marshmallow Snowball Fight in December wherever they live. Traditions are one of the most powerful tools for making friends after a move because they give people something to return to year after year.

Two Quick Notes

On reciprocity: Just because you host people doesn’t mean they will invite you back. Brooke has probably had 10 times as many people to her home as have ever invited her to theirs. It no longer bothers her. People show friendship in different ways. Don’t wait for someone to invite you back — you might be waiting forever and really miss out.

The 3-strikes rule: If someone says no to three invitations without any sign of interest, wait for them to initiate before you invite again. There are lots of people who need and want friends — focus on those who are excited to know you too.

Related Reading

• 13 ways to help kids adjust after a move
• 21 great ways to welcome new neighbors
• making mom friends: forging real life connection

Helpful External Resources

• Greater Good Science Center — the science of adult friendship

Frequently Asked Questions: Making Friends After a Move

How do you make friends after moving to a new city?

Making friends after a move requires active effort. The tips that work: tell everyone you know you’re moving and ask for connections, start casual meetups at places you’re already going, get phone numbers and use them, find or start a group around something you love, feed people, and start a neighborhood tradition. Waiting rarely works.

How do you make friends quickly after moving?

The fastest ways to start making friends after a move: play the new card (people love helping someone new), start a casual meetup with a text, and get a phone number from every person you click with. The energy that comes with being new fades — dive in from the start rather than waiting until you feel established.

What if no one reciprocates when you try to make friends after a move?

This happens and it is not a reflection of your likability. Making friends after a move means being the initiator far more often than you’re invited. Keep going — with one exception: after 3 invitations with no response, shift your attention to someone who is genuinely excited to know you.