I Never Thought I Wanted Kids But I Was Born to Be a Mother

Born to be a mother — that is the unexpected truth of Brooke’s life, from someone who never thought she wanted children at all. Kids were never really her thing. She didn’t play with dolls or babysit, and her worst grade was in Home Ec. When she met her mother-in-law for the first time, she confidently told her that she was planning on law school, loved books and dancing, hated cooking and cleaning, and wasn’t sure if she wanted children. How’s that for a stellar first impression on a stay-at-home mom?

What Changed Her Mind

She thought she might feel differently after marriage. Nope. Kids were cute but they cramped their fancy-free style, took over conversations, and limited the fun. Mike would gently rock newborn girls and wrestle with toddler boys and she thought he was amazing and couldn’t believe her luck — but by the end of the night she was so happy for a little freedom. What was wrong with her?

Imagine her surprise when, after only two years of marriage and while working on Capitol Hill, she felt like they should get pregnant. Mike was shocked but willing. After eight months she found out they were expecting. He was in Haiti and unreachable — so her dentist was the first person to know. So romantic.

The Moment She Knew She Was Born to Be a Mother

Their baby boy was born on a cold February evening and when his wriggling body was lifted onto her chest, their bond was instant and unshakable. She was officially a mother. In one brief moment, everything had changed.

The first night, her sweet baby screamed, non-stop, for three hours in their room. Nothing helped. He finally gave up and fell asleep in her arms. During those three hours she realized she would do absolutely anything to protect her baby and keep him happy and healthy. Anything. That feeling was new, sudden, and powerful. It was motherhood. She was born to be a mother — even though she had never known it until that moment.

The Fumbling, Imperfect, Beautiful Beginning

Her love for him was perfect. Her technique was wanting. Her diaper changes looked nothing like that first tight bundle the nurses had put on him. She could not figure out swaddling. She made Mike do it so no one would think she was unfit. After dropping her mom off at the airport, she pulled out onto the freeway and the baby started crying loudly from the backseat. She pulled to the side of the road because she could no longer see or breathe through her tears. The two of them sat bawling in the car together, both surely wondering what they had gotten themselves into and how anyone thought they could be left alone with each other. She kept repeating, “I am so sorry buddy, I don’t know what to do!”

It was a process. Every day she became more competent. She learned how to nurse without completely undressing, how to change a diaper without getting peed on, how to make dinner and care for a baby all in the same day. Her baby had colic and cried more than any other baby she had ever known. They were far from family with few friends. She would look at the clock to find it was only 11am and she was out of ideas, plans, and patience. In spite of all of it, she loved it. It was hard and boring and gratifying and amazing. She was shocked every day. She was becoming born to be a mother, day by day.

What She Discovered About Being Born to Be a Mother

She had so much to learn. She moved into a neighborhood with stay-at-home moms who had three or four or five children and had clean and decorated homes, made bread from scratch, had gardens, coached teams, ran marathons, helped with homework, sewed pillows, volunteered at school. She had one baby and couldn’t get the diapers to the outdoor trash can. Her talents all seemed better suited for the workforce. She wondered what she was doing at home.

But she watched, and she practiced. She tried to stop comparing. She asked those ladies to teach her. Even after their patient lessons, she was still only mediocre at most things. But she was better than she was before, and she was finding joy in her home. As her boys got older, she realized the talents she had formerly deemed useless in mothering were exactly what her boys needed: patience, creativity, storytelling, love of the outdoors, determination, passion for learning, willingness to listen — and above everything, the inner drive to be better for these little boys who were counting on her.

She was never the “kid-type” and she is certainly not the “ideal mom.” But they have done just fine, all figuring it out together. Having children gave her an excuse and a desire to be braver than she ever would have been, and allowed her to discover not only who they are, but who she can be. When she tells people she never wanted kids, they usually exclaim, “No way! You love kids!” And she does, now. Above all else — reader, dancer, writer, woman, wife, friend — she is born to be a mother.

Related Reading

• you are the perfect mother for your children
• love letter from yesterday’s moms to mothers today
• how to feel like a successful mom every day

Helpful External Resources

• Greater Good Science Center — how parenthood changes us

Frequently Asked Questions: Born to Be a Mother

Can you be a good mother if you never wanted kids?

Discovering you were born to be a mother when you never thought you wanted to be one is more common than anyone admits. Brooke wasn’t a kid person — didn’t babysit, got her worst grade in Home Ec, told her mother-in-law she wasn’t sure she wanted children. Then her baby arrived and everything changed. Being born to be a mother has nothing to do with how you felt before. It is about who you become inside of it.

How long does it take to feel like a good mother?

Feeling born to be a mother didn’t happen immediately for Brooke. The first night her baby screamed for three hours. After her mom left, she pulled over on the freeway to cry. The days felt endless. She was mediocre at most things for a long time. But every day she became more competent. The process of becoming — not the arrival at competence — is what motherhood actually is. Show up, keep going, trust the process.

What changes when you become a mother?

Being born to be a mother changed Brooke in ways she didn’t expect: more selfless, less judgmental, more humble, a better version of herself — without planning any of it. The talents she hadn’t deemed useful turned out to be exactly what her boys needed. Having children gave her an excuse and a desire to be braver than she ever would have been on her own.