Answering Your Questions About Being Friendly vs Being a Friend

Brooke was overwhelmed by the love and support for the article It’s Time to Stop Being Friendly and Start Being a Friend. The questions and private messages that followed — about loneliness, about cliquey neighborhoods, about introversion and Utah and how to actually do this — deserved real answers. These are the questions that came in most often, and the most honest answers she could give.

Q: It isn’t realistic to be best friends with everyone. Do you have suggestions for doing better without overdoing it?

It’s true — none of us have the emotional energy to be everything to everyone. But most of us can be better. The questions about being friendly vs being a friend that matter most are really about the small decisions: When you go to lunch with a few women on a regular basis, what about inviting someone new each time? Making a carpool for an activity? Make sure everyone attending is included. Meeting at the park with the kids? Let as many people know as you can. Try to be inclusive every time rather than exclusive by default. It might change someone’s day or even their life.

Q: I have feelings to go help or connect, but I can barely keep my own life together with little kids. What can I do?

The most important truth in questions about being friendly vs being a friend: you don’t need to DO or BRING or BAKE anything to be a friend. When Brooke was lonely, she would have much preferred someone stopping by to say hello than a dinner with no conversation. When she had little kids, someone joining her outside on her driveway and chatting meant more than a plate of cookies on the doorstep. Finding ways to connect doesn’t need to involve a physical offering. If it makes you more comfortable to have something in hand when you ring a doorbell, buy something inexpensive in bulk — soaps, sanitizers, chocolate — that you can drop off. Stop on your way home and pick up lunch for a new mom if making a full dinner feels like too much. The other day, feeling a bit down, she got a text from a neighbor saying how grateful she was for their friendship. It completely turned her day around. That is free and took 30 seconds.

Q: My neighborhood is so cliquey. Nobody seems to want to be friends with me. What can I do?

First: I am so sorry. It is the worst to feel unwanted where you live. I have been there. Before blaming everyone else, ask honestly: how much effort have you put into being a friend? Have you invited anyone to dinner? Have you gone to neighborhood events? When someone invites you, do you go? Have you opened up and shared things that help people feel close to you?

If you have genuinely done all of that, re-evaluate who you are trying to befriend. Maybe those people are truly too busy right now — elderly parent, new baby, full-time job, PTA president. Or maybe they don’t have interest in adding you to their circle right now. But I know there is someone else who could use and would love your friendship. Look harder. Try to be the friend you are looking for, to someone else who needs a friend. Go outside your neighborhood. Get involved in something that matters to you and try to build friendships there. And hold on. The first year in every place I lived was tough. Things do change.

Q: Is Utah a harder place to make friends? We have lived everywhere and it has been so much harder here.

This question came up more than any other in questions about being friendly vs being a friend. Brooke spent 13 years outside Utah and moved back three years ago — she has experience on both sides. Sometimes, if you are LDS, Utah can be harder. A few reasons: outside Utah, there are relatively few LDS people so they band together regardless of whether they have much in common. They are there without extended family, so church members become family by necessity — they attend each other’s baptisms, cook for each other, call each other in emergencies. In Utah, most people have “real” family who take up most of their celebrations and emergencies. Friends become less central to daily survival, and that closeness takes longer to develop. It is not impossible — it just takes more time and initiative. If you move with older children, everyone’s life is especially full. Acknowledge the reality, add patience, and keep trying.

Q: I want to be better but I am an introvert. Any suggestions?

Start small. At any event, find the person who looks uncomfortable and get to know her. Pop by with a birthday gift and take a few minutes on the porch. Comment on someone’s social media post or send a text with a sincere compliment. If you start feeling more comfortable, meet at a park or for lunch and invite a few extra people if you worry about keeping the conversation going. Offer to share your talents or teach someone something. Or ask for help with something you are trying to learn. Sharing an experience or an interest is one of the best ways to start a real friendship. We can all be better at questions about being friendly vs being a friend — even when it is hard or inconvenient.

Helpful External Resources

Greater Good Science Center — the science of adult friendship

Frequently Asked Questions

What should you do when you feel left out in your neighborhood?

The questions about being friendly vs being a friend start with honesty: how much effort am I actually putting in? Have you invited anyone to dinner? Said yes to invitations? Opened up? If you have genuinely tried, look wider — outside your neighborhood, outside your usual circle, get involved in something meaningful. And hold on. The first year in most places is the hardest. Things do change.

How do introverts become better friends?

Questions about being friendly vs being a friend for introverts start small: send a heartfelt text or note, drop a birthday gift by, find the person who looks uncomfortable at events and sit next to them, offer to teach someone something or ask to be taught. Shared experiences build friendships faster than forced conversation.

Is it harder to make friends in Utah than other places?

Yes, it can be harder — not because Utahns are unfriendly, but because most LDS people in Utah have extended family nearby who fill the role that church friends fill elsewhere. Outside Utah, ward members become family by genuine necessity. In Utah, that necessity isn’t there, so friendship takes more time and deliberate effort to build. Same answer as everywhere: more initiative, more patience.

Answering Your Questions about being Friendly vs. being a Friend