A Note to Parents of Elementary Age Girls from a Mom of Boys
This note to parents of elementary age girls comes from a place of love — and from a mom who was once a girl herself. Brooke is a mom of boys. It is all she knows as a mother. But she was once a girl, and she remembers: being boy crazy long before boys noticed her, doing ridiculous things to get attention, the frenzy that happened when a pack of girls got together. She also remembers being smart, capable, and strong, and knowing she could be whoever she chose to be if she worked hard enough.
As a mom of boys, she is consumed with the other gender. She is doing her best to raise young men who respect themselves and respect others. She wants to raise the type of boys worthy of an awesome girl. And she has a note to parents of elementary age girls, born out of three specific experiences.
Three Incidents That Prompted This Note to Parents of Elementary Age Girls
At a high school football game: Her second grader was playing with friends on the grass when a couple of girls from his class joined in. Good girls — fun, happy, nice, and good friends with her son. When the boys went back to playing football, the girls started chasing them. The chase turned into a tackle, and while her son was on the ground, the girls started kicking him — hard — in the stomach and back. They were smiling, laughing, shrieking. This was their version of teasing and having fun and getting attention. She ran over and stopped it. Her son did not fight back because it did not feel right to kick back. If the roles had been reversed, he would have been in serious trouble.
At a friend’s home: With two other families — great families, the type of parents you hope to become — her younger boys reported afterward that the girls had spent the evening chasing them, then pinching, kicking, or hitting them. It wasn’t fun at all. One was genuinely hurt on his arm. Both said they didn’t want to go back. Same pattern: excited girls trying to get attention, doing it in a way that just isn’t ideal. Her boys didn’t retaliate. If they had, there would have been serious tears.
At recess: Her older son and friends were being chased by younger sisters of girls in their grade, with the older sisters egging them on and cheering. The little ones were trying to kick the boys in the crotch and pulling at their hair. When the older boys had had enough, they grabbed the little ones and pushed them away. Guess who was in trouble? The boys. Appropriately so — but it was a situation that could have been avoided entirely.
The Request in This Note to Parents of Elementary Age Girls
Please teach them other ways to get attention, to play, to have conversations, to create friendships with boys. And if the boys still aren’t interested, please teach them to move on. They need to feel confident enough to want to spend time with people who want to spend time with them. The boys will come around one day, and you want your girls to choose the ones who treat them well, who put them front and center, who listen. Teach them that they deserve more than having to fight to be noticed. It might also be worth chatting about the way they play — that hurting people is never a good way to make a friend, even when it feels like fun.
This note to parents of elementary age girls comes with full acknowledgment: boys are taught not to hurt girls, and that needs to continue. But all children can learn to connect without hurting. Let’s help each other make this life a little kinder and nicer for our kids to navigate.
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Frequently Asked Questions
Why do elementary age girls sometimes get physical with boys to get attention?
A note to parents of elementary age girls addresses this directly: at elementary ages, girls who want to play or get attention from boys sometimes default to physical behavior — chasing, kicking, pinching — not out of malice but because they lack better tools. It feels exciting from their perspective. The problem: it puts boys in an impossible spot. They’ve been taught not to fight back, but they don’t want to be hurt. Teach the other tools before the physical habit forms.
What should I teach my daughter about interacting with boys at school?
The message of this note to parents of elementary age girls: teach your daughter other ways to connect. She should feel confident enough to spend time with people who actually want to spend time with her — without fighting to be noticed. If someone is worth her friendship, she should not have to hurt them to get their attention. Hurting people, even in play, is never a good way to make a friend.
How do you handle it when girls hurt your son at school?
A note to parents of elementary age girls: when parents were told, they handled it quickly. The conversation for Brooke’s boys: if you are being hurt, even by someone smaller or younger, you can push them away and find an adult. The goal for everyone is to make things kinder and easier for our kids to navigate — boys and girls alike.
Holy cow- I'm trying to fathom girls acting like this! Not something you picture every day. Good to know.
I am a mother of 3 girls. I will be talking to them about how they should play with boys. Thanks.
I am about to have my 4th baby and 4th girl! My oldest is 5 and not in school yet. I sure hope she doesn't do that but the only way to make sure is to teach her. Any chance these little girls in your examples learn these things from boys inside or outside of their families? Having all girls I would note that they don't naturally want to chase, hit, and kick other kids. Any time my kids have had physical problems with other kids at play dates have been with boys pushing the girls over a toy or something. Kind of dreading and looking forward to my kids being in school! ah!
I am a mother of 3 boys, my oldest being 5 in July and only in pre-school. I have to disagree with your comment that girls don't want to "naturally chase, hit, and kick other kids". I watch a girl twice a week who is the same age as my boy. Since she was 2 years old, and before I stared to watch her two days a week, if something did not go her way, she would attack, hit, and scratch up other kids, including my boy. Both genders need to be taught gentleness when playing, do not blame just boys for rambunctious behavior.
Maybe there is an element of girls mimicking boyish behavior, though I would point out that is our responsibility as parents to correct inappropriate behavior and not pass the problem onto the opposite gender.
Just discovered your blog, so I'm late to this conversation, but I also think this is a group mentality. My eldest, a girl, is 10 and has no idea she's supposed to "like" boys or have crushes or try to get their attention. It's just not on her radar. She has a great friend at church who is a boy, and they talk about rocks and random things that interest them. It could be because she's homeschooled and she's away from the influence of a pack of girls. Not making any wild claims, but she does behave differently from the girls her age when it comes to boys. And boy am I grateful!
I'm glad you mentioned self-defense, and talking with your boys about it. It's right, and okay, to defend yourself and get an adult.
This was great! I also am a mom of only boys (4 so far) and I understand the struggle. I also teach my boys not to hit girls, but I know that's been hard for them to hold back when the girls get physical. Thanks for pointing this out in such an eloquent manner.
I know..as a mom of boys, sometimes you imagine girls as very passive, but these were seriously awesome girls who were all just excited :).
Awesome Jill! Thanks!
I do have to say that all girls and all boys are really different with unique personalities. I really didn't see anything until school started, and I really haven't seen it much, just in a few instances but they did really bother me. It didn't seem like it was mimicking either, it really was just girls being so excited and wanting attention. I remember doing that too. Luckily we haven't seen it in quite awhile.
That could be true too Jennie, a group mentality for sure fuels the fire. However, my boys are all totally different. The first has always loved girls and the second has only ever seen them as friends…same home, totally different outlook.
Thanks Trulee! Appreciate your support!
I agree that this is a problem. I think most girls assume that boys don't have feelings. Seriously, boys don't usually talk about getting hurt, they wrestle with each other, they skin their knees and continue playing, etc. It is important for parents to teach them not to hit and kick boys. I have 2 boys and one girl. My boys know not to hit girls (and boys too), but I have taught my daughter that it's not right to tease rough with boys, either. I have 3 older brothers, and growing up I saw so many girls who had crushes on them come up to them to punch them in the shoulder or kick them in the back. They told me, "When you get older, never hit boys. They don't like it." I think if more girls knew that the boys didn't like it, they would stop.
Love that comment Katie! Especially the last line…who wants to be hit :)!