11 Ways to Show Gratitude for a Working Spouse

To show gratitude for a working spouse was not something Brooke was particularly good at for the first years of her marriage. When she chose to stay home twelve years before writing this essay, the hours were long, the kids were needy, and the duties were mind-numbing. She needed to be praised for everything she did. Her husband obliged often. She rarely offered gratitude in return.

Then he went back to school full time to earn a master’s degree. They moved across the country with three kids, a meager savings, and a lot of hope. For two years they scrimped, hustled, and sacrificed. After his graduation, she never looked at the role of the working spouse the same way again. She finally understood the weight of what he had always been carrying — and she wanted to show it.

11 Ways to Show Gratitude for a Working Spouse

1. Say thank you. When was the last time you thanked your spouse directly for working? It might sound funny at first, but it is as simple as: “Thanks for getting up every day and working so hard for us so I can be home with the kids.” That acknowledgment matters more than most people realize.

2. Don’t assume work is a party. Unless your spouse is a golf pro or a movie critic, chances are work is stressful on a daily basis — just like staying home is stressful. There is real pressure when one person is financially providing for the whole family. Acknowledge that. Support their role as provider rather than minimizing it.

3. Don’t constantly talk about what you wish you had. If you choose to stay home, it often means giving up certain extras. Focus on what you have. You may not have a new couch, but you get to snuggle your toddler on the old one. Enjoy that.

4. Don’t throw the working spouse under the bus. If your spouse has to work late or miss a game and your kids complain, remind them how lucky they are to have a parent whose job provides for the family. No one wants to miss family events, but sometimes being an adult means there is no choice. That is a valuable lesson for kids to learn.

5. Watch your spending. Those dollars are hard-earned regardless of how much your spouse makes. There is no worse form of ingratitude than spending haphazardly without regard for where the money comes from. If the budget is not working, have the conversation. All efforts to be frugal are noticed by the person bringing home the income.

6. Pick up the slack. After nine hours at work and a long commute, the last thing most people want is to come home to dinner still needed and laundry undone. If you are home most of the day and can throw something in the slow cooker and do a quick pickup, it changes the stress level at home significantly. Not a 1950s ideal — just a practical partnership.

7. Recognize that downtime is a must for both. Little kids hanging on you all day is exhausting. Staring at a computer with looming deadlines is a different kind of exhausting. Talk about what breaks you each need and how you can both get a little of what makes you happy. Be willing to bend when someone needs more.

8. Talk nicely about their work. Talk about what your spouse does with kindness and respect, regardless of their field. If they can put a roof over your head and food on the table without a second income, that is exceptional. Demeaning their area of employment is never okay. Talk it up. Praise the talents and hard work it took to get there.

9. Notice help and say thanks. When your spouse brings home dinner or takes care of things so you can have time out, say thanks — automatically, without keeping score. Saying thanks always makes the situation better, not worse.

10. Enjoy your job. Marriage is not a contest to see who has it harder. If your day included sunshine at the park and time with friends, come home with some energy. If his day at work was productive and included a good lunch, let him come home relaxed. Both are allowed. Neither needs to be hidden out of guilt.

11. Share the highs and lows. When you have a great day or a terrible one, share it. If he gets a raise or navigates a hard business situation, celebrate. If you potty-train the toddler or have a rough afternoon with a struggling child, let him in on it. Marriage is so much more rewarding when both the good and the bad are shared. Be each other’s biggest fan, whatever the situation.

Related Reading

• 15 ways my husband makes our marriage work
• making a marriage work with a traveling spouse
• for Father’s Day, let him be his own kind of dad

Helpful External Resources

• Greater Good Science Center — the science of gratitude in relationships

Frequently Asked Questions: Show Gratitude for a Working Spouse

How do you show gratitude to a working spouse?

To show gratitude for a working spouse: say thank you directly for working. Don’t assume work is easy. Don’t mention things you wish you had. Don’t throw your spouse under the bus when kids complain. Watch your spending. Pick up the slack. Recognize both need downtime. Talk up their work with respect. Notice help and say thanks. Don’t make the marriage a contest about who has it harder.

How can a stay-at-home parent show more appreciation for their spouse?

Start with the words. Thank your spouse directly for getting up every day and working hard so you can be home. Beyond that: don’t spend haphazardly, do what you can to reduce stress when they arrive home, share in both the highs and lows of their work life, and remind your children regularly that their parent works hard because they love them.

What changed Brooke’s perspective on her working husband?

Brooke learned to show gratitude for a working spouse after her husband went back to school for his master’s degree. They moved across the country with three kids and meager savings, scrimping for two years. After his graduation she understood completely the weight of what he had always carried. That perspective shift made both her life and marriage much sweeter — and she wished she had found it sooner.