Motherhood Is Not a Competition

Motherhood is not a competition — but in the blink of an eye, during COVID, we all suddenly became homeschooling moms and the comparison pressure reached levels most had never experienced. Moms who were five days into an unprecedented situation were certain they were failing. They saw other families enjoying every minute. Women were rediscovering motherhood. They were singing songs, playing games, having dance parties, teaching through doing, taking happy photos along the way. After a home-cooked dinner, story time, and good-night kisses, they were curling up to husbands who suddenly had time. The message seemed clear: who knew school and sports and friends were just roadblocks to familial bliss?

A Reality Check on Why Motherhood Is Not a Competition

But friends: let’s have a reality check. Somewhere between the beautifully staged photos and the “I’m giving away my child” memes lies the truth. Most families are having small wins and big fails every single hour. Most have one kid or two who “gets it” and at least one who refuses to play along. Most are having moments of connection they will never forget mixed with moments of anger they wish they could take back. Most moms are being better parents than they ever thought possible about half the time, and wondering how the 1 hour of screen time turned into 3 the other half.

As mothers, every morning we put on a happy face, a calm exterior, a “can do” attitude even though we are incredibly anxious and unsure. We are making the best of the situation and genuinely enjoying moments, but we are also worried about jobs and money and school and the future. We want to slow down and make changes, but we kinda liked that easier, hurried life. The idea that we are not enough is rearing its ugly head as we look at all the awesome free offerings we are not taking advantage of and the sub-par school work that is only partially finished. And we miss our village.

It Is Okay — All of It

So, here is what every mother needs to know: motherhood is not a competition, and that means it is okay. It is okay that not everyone is enjoying this. It is okay that your teenagers miss their friends. It is okay that your family doesn’t want to do a puzzle or have game night. It is okay if you are trying to work from home, so you don’t have the time or energy to make it all magical.

But it is also okay if you are loving it so much you might want to home school full time. It is okay if your family feels happier than it has in a long time. It is okay if you use the extra time to tackle huge projects or if you are 100% capable of enjoying the stillness.

Motherhood is not a competition to see who loves it the most, who is the most structured and productive, or who can throw it all out the window without guilt. What it is: a chance to figure out how best to love your children in the way they need to be loved, and to understand how YOU find joy in motherhood. That is going to look different from how your neighbor does it. And it will be just right for you.

What Your Children Will Remember

Five years from now, your children will not remember the in-between hours of Fortnite, forced quiet time, or a working mom. They will play a highlight reel — the girls vs. boys basketball game, the one experiment you did, the hike no one wanted to take but secretly loved, the family dinners full of connection even if nobody admitted it. And if you have one or two who refuse to participate or get off their phone, they will still remember how hard you tried to make them feel loved. And that is not a small win.

So stop comparing, stop self-shaming, stop worrying, and start patting yourself on the back for wading through the unknown with grace and a little too much chocolate. Your children are watching you evolve, step up, and love boldly. Motherhood is not a competition. Let’s use the time we have to make our own definition of parental success — one built on relationships that we feel genuinely good about, even if that happens really slowly and a bit reluctantly.

Related Reading

• how to feel like a successful mom every day
• you are the perfect mother for your children
• love letter from yesterday’s moms to mothers today

Helpful External Resources

• Greater Good Science Center — positive psychology for mothers

Frequently Asked Questions: Motherhood Is Not a Competition

Why do moms feel like they’re failing during hard seasons?

Motherhood is not a competition, but it feels like one when social media curates only highlight-reel moments. During genuinely hard seasons, the gap between what you see online and what’s happening in your home can feel catastrophic. The truth: most families are having small wins and big fails every hour, most moms are doing better than they think half the time, and none of that is evidence that you are losing.

How do you stop comparing yourself to other moms?

Remembering that motherhood is not a competition starts with refusing to treat someone else’s visible highlight as evidence of your invisible failure. Stop comparing and self-shaming. Start patting yourself on the back for actual wins. Do more of what makes you happy in parenthood. Your children are watching you evolve, step up, and love boldly — and that is not a small thing.

What is the best definition of parental success?

When motherhood is not a competition, parental success is not raising sports stars or straight-A students. It is having relationships with your children that you feel genuinely good about — even if that happens slowly or reluctantly. Your children will remember the moments when they felt loved, not the hours of Fortnite or the missed experiments. That highlight reel is the measure that actually matters.